Some may think it's weird to put this on my business website, but then again a lot of people think what I do for work/fun (breastmilk jewelry) is weird. Ultimately, my goal in life is to share God's love with everyone I meet. And if that's weird, I guess I'm a proud weirdo. :)
Today is 10.31.23. The last day of the month of October, which is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Today, I feel led to share some excerpts from my personal journal. I've never had a "vision" before in my life and I truly do believe that the night after we lost our baby, I was given a dream as a gift from God, and I want to share it, to bring hope to other loss mamas, or anyone who has loved and lost.
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11.9.18
I tossed and turned almost all night. I had thoughts coming into my head about how this is my fault. I know the enemy was trying to put lies in my head. I got up, went into my closet, read the Bible and prayed for peace to sleep. Before going back to bed, I asked God to give me a good dream, because all I can remember having this year were nightmares. So when I went back to bed with peace, I fell asleep and had a vision.
Joel found a house he loved in a different county. I loved our house here in Franklin so much and didn't really want to move. He showed me photos with the MLS page (and price - way out of our league) and I still felt so attached to our house and didn't want to move.
We decided to drive out and see the house and we met the builder there. When we drove up, there was a huge open birdcage in the yard, shaped in a dome and white birds were flying out of it into the sky. I remember thinking that's so random and funny.
From the outside, the house was massive and extremely artsy-looking. I'll try to draw what I can remember as best as I can.
When we went inside and the builder showed us around, I was in awe. The first thing I remember being shown was the back yard. It was stunning, on a huge sparkling lake or river. I remember crying in my dream because it reminded me of my hometown (Wilmington NC) which I love and miss so much. It felt so personal to me.
We walked inside again and I remember being blown away by how massive the house was. I remember being upstairs, and some of the builder's kids were running around, happy and free. They were so cute. I remember walking into one of the girls' rooms. It was HUGE! Full of all kinds of fun and beautiful things. Looking back at the dream now, I think this was Grace's room.
Everything in the house was so clean and light and happy, with so much character like it had been lived in (in a good way). It was so detailed like every square inch had a purpose by the builder. The house reminded me of a massive cruise ship almost, it just kept going and going. I remember thinking how on earth are we going to afford this? But also - WOW this is the most amazing house I've ever been in!
I remember seeing the cutest little girls running around in pink and purple tutus, just so happy! I thought to myself, the builder's kids are the happiest kids!
After seeing it, now it seemed like the house was very underpriced so I became suspicious and asked "is this place haunted or something?!" The builder reassured me that the house was brand new, easing my typical dumb fears.
When I woke up from the dream, I took Mochi [my dog], out and remembered my dream, thinking about all the details. And it hit me. This was a gift from God, a vision. He is telling me He has a beautiful place for Grace and is parenting her with the greatest love and care.
Joel said he thinks that house is a house built for all the babies that passed too soon. They are the Builder's (Jesus') kids and he loves them so much he built the most perfect, creative, fun, beautiful house for them. The room I saw was Grace's room. I am crying so hard right now just overwhelmed that God gave me this beautiful vision of where our Grace is.
And to think I was so stubborn and comfortable staying in Franklin, too afraid to move to the most beautiful place I've ever seen. I think it's a metaphor for how sometimes when we think of heaven, we are a little afraid because there is so much unknown.
The Builder's house felt like the perfect home. It wasn't decorated with the styles of today - marble, etc. It was styled with character and purpose, so unique like nothing I've ever seen. And there was so much light.
I don't remember many details about the Builder's physical appearance. He definitely seemed to be in his 30's. Just a very kind person. I think this was Jesus.
So that was my vision. And now I am reassured that Grace is truly in a much better place than earth, here at our little house in Franklin.
"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going."
John 14: 1-4
Thank you Jesus, for answering my prayer.
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Here is a little bit of a song I wrote after the dream:
"I give it all away, surrender everything
I lay it at the feet of Jesus,
Abandon all my plans and put them in the hands
nailed to a cross to save and free us, Jesus
All that I can do is trust you
All that I can do is trust you
Your will, your way
Your love leads me
All that I can do is trust you
And in the dark I see I'm covered by your wings,
Your grace is sufficient for me
Your power made perfect when I'm so weak,
You restore, you redeem, you make everything
beautiful in your timing
And all that I can do is trust you"
